I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
