He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
