Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
