I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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