Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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