You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
