theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
