batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
