make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
