I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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