Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
mondays should just be called national damage control day
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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