How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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