Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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