Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
