Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
