you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
