I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
