I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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