just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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