I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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