I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
i think my cat just said my name.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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