ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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