Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
