I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
