I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
