i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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