I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
