Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize
