Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
