my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Less talking, more tequila
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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