I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Randomize
