How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
