i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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