At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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