HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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