dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
