As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
