It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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