I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
