I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
