I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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