so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
