Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
false alarm, still single
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