hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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