I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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