he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
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LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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