I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I didn't notice because vodka
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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