Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
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One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
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A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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