the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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