why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
