i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.