She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
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Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
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Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said