So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
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Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
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Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I got inside last night via doggy door
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(