dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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