This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
