she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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