I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
