I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You left your underwear on the fireplace
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
