I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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